Before I start, I want to say that this is a prevention method that has many layers to it. I'm going to break it down by situation and by who the potential abusers are.
1. People of Authority
They are people whom we hold a level of respect for that work with children, and therefore are usually believed to be responsible, good, caring people. Teachers, doctors, coaches, youth leaders, tutors, clergy, babysitters, caretakers etc etc.
The good news is that many organizations may already have in place or are working to put into place a protocol for minimizing the sexual abuse of children. This mostly applies for large organizations that are at greater risk, and lets face it - their insurance companies are actually requiring that they have protocol in place to minimize opportunity as well as reporting procedures and will increase their rates if there isn't. So what do you do if your child is going to be involved in an organized activity - Check out Stop It Now's 9 Questions Parents Need to Ask When Selecting A Program For Their Child. Basically you want to know:
1. If they have a policy on child sexual abuse prevention
2. How they train their staff and how do they monitor adult/child interaction
3. How do they handle situations of inappropriate behavior or suspected or witnessed abuse
You might feel uncomfortable asking them specifically about child sexual abuse prevention, but the more parents that ask, the more this will become common place. This is not just for the benefit of your child, but all children that will enter the program.
Stop it Now has other tip sheets on their site as well:
For Summer Camp
For Sports Programs
For Faith Communities
For Daycare and Education
It gets trickier when it involves situations where you can't necessarily avoid a 1 on 1 scenario with your child and another adult like a tutor or music teacher. So what do you do - find out where the tutoring will be taking place - can you do it in your home or at the library instead? If it's at their home - where? Who else may be home? Is it an open door policy that you can stop in at any time? If so - STOP IN on occasion. Let that person know that you're not blindly trusting them with the safety of your child. Or sign them up at a place where you can feel more comfortable - a music school with more teachers. A tutor that will come to your house.
Regarding babysitters, you are obviously putting a great amount of responsibility into the hands of this person. They are alone in your home with your children. You cannot do a background check on someone who is under 18. But you can request references and DO call them. Ask them if there has ever been anything that made them question the babysitter's behavior. You have the right and the obligation to do the research and put your child in a program or in the care of another that makes you feel comfortable.
2. Family, Friends, and our Children's Peers
Not only does it seem impossible to imagine that a family member, friend, or even another child would sexually abuse a child, but you're probably also thinking "you're crazy if you think we can minimize one on one time with family!" The truth is: 40-50% of children that are abused, are abused by a family member. 40% are abused by an older or larger child. Yes, you read that correctly! And yes, there is a difference between children exploring their sexuality and harming another child sexually. Whether it's a parent aunt/uncle, cousin, sibling, grandparent, neighborhood kid - it is happening. So what can we do to minimize 1 on 1 time, when really - it's a natural part of growing a relationship?
Let your house have an open-door policy when applicable. If it's daytime and people are around the house - doors should be open if there is more than one person in the room. This should apply every day even if it's just your immediate family or people are over to visit. One on one time doesn't need to be in a closed bedroom or down in the basement out of view. Be aware of who is where and if you notice that certain people are not in a common area - pop in and see what they're up to. It doesn't have to be sneaky or defensive. And when you do so - observe their demeanor. Are they surprised? Are they comfortable that you've now entered the room or are they uneasy? If your gut is telling you something, listen to it. Don't feel guilty because the thought popped into your head that someone you love and/or trust could potentially be a sexual abuser - be proud of yourself that you've allowed your sense of vigilance to overpower the natural desire to deny that "good" (or people we consider to be good) people can do harmful or abusive things.
Beyond abuse that may occur in the home, also consider how to protect your children when one on one activities occur outside the home. When two people are going out alone together - ask them what their plans are before they leave - how does the adult or older child act? Do they provide specifics? Notice the adult or older child's ability to be upfront and comfortable with you. If a child is going to a friend's house to play, find out who is going to be home. Make sure you've met the parents, know who the siblings are and their names.
When they come back - notice the behavior of the child, are they happy and talking about their trip? Ask them specifically what they did. Notice their demeanor. If something seems off - pursue it. Don't just shrug it off that the child is being moody or wants to be left alone. Investigate. More often than not a child is too scared, confused, and ashamed to tell someone they've been abused. Furthermore, most abused children will say "no" the first time they're asked if they've been abused. Do right by the child and make sure that you feel 100% comfortable that everything is alright. If you suspect something inappropriate or abusive occurred, tell them it's the right thing to tell you if something bad happened. That you won't be mad. That you're here to protect them.
The more aware we are of the opportunity for a child to be sexually abused the greater we are able to prevent it from occurring.
Protecting children through education of all the Mama and Papa Bears out there ready to arm themselves with the knowledge and skills to prevent and end child sexual abuse.
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Update and Second Donation Check - in the MAIL!
We've been over 200 likes on Facebook for a few days, but I had a bunch of bills piling up and I forced myself to write all those checks out so I could mail everything out together.
Anything that you can do to share this cause with your friends and family - please do so. It is SO CRUCIAL that people take the time to educate themselves about child sexual abuse. So many people are uncomfortable hearing and talking about it, so many people want to live with rose-colored glasses - that this couldn't happen to them, and some are just simply ignorant of the facts and what to do about it.
So, please, please. Share the Mama Bear Effect posts on your wall, encourage your friends to follow it.
I am about 2/3 through taking an online Darkness to Light Stewards of Children course on preventing child sexual abuse. It is taking a decent amount of time, and I'm taking tons of notes - but I feel SO EMPOWERED by the information that I've gained. I really look forward to sharing everything I've learned.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
A Mama Bear Must Overcome Denial, Fear, Ignorance
We feel like we are protecting ourselves and, perhaps even our children, by not talking about it. We want our children to think of life as happy and full of opportunity to achieve great things. We don't want to scare them, or ourselves, and accept the many harsh realities of our world.
But the truth is, we are not doing ourselves or our children any favors by ignoring the reality of child sexual abuse. Too many parents either have no idea that their children are being or have been abused, or will be forced to face it after the damage has been done. That is, if their child ever tells them.
Children that have endured sexual abuse are often more likely to have low self-esteem, be affected by anxiety and/or depression, abuse drugs/alcohol, and endure many other life-long struggles.
Denial.
I've stated it many times, and I'll state it again. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday. 30-40% are abused by a family member. As many as 50% are abused by someone known to their family - a friend, neighbor, community member. We can't just keep an eye out for the suspicious man at the park. We need to be vigilant of the very people who live or come into our homes, and of the places we allow our children to go.
People say "Oh, everyone we know is nice." People who are nice are capable of abusing children and do abuse them. Generally, they need to be nice so that they can gain the trust of the parents, family, and child in order to have access to them.
Furthermore people may say "Not in our town, we live in a nice town." It doesn't matter if you have a white picket fence or live in public housing. It doesn't matter if you drive a Lexus or a Honda Civic. Child sexual abuse exists in every socioeconomic category. It does not discriminate.
Fear.
Often, we are so afraid to face the reality that children are being sexually abused we don't want to read, hear, or learn about it. Fear is controlling us from doing what we need to do. This is why I use the term Mama Bear. Mama Bears have a strength within them, to overrule fear or anxiety that may hold them back from doing what they need to do to protect their young. We always hear when camping or hiking "don't get between a mama bear and her cub." Why? Because Mama Bear is going to come at you with everything that she has. You can waste your time saying "oh, I don't want to hurt your baby." Mama Bear - she don't care. She doesn't understand you, first of all. And secondly, she wouldn't listen to you anyway.
We need to embrace the Mama Bear inside us. And I'm not just talking to moms. I'm talking to dads, aunts/uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, neighbors, older-siblings, community members. We cannot blindly trust people that come between us and the children we know because we assume that they are on our side - that their number one goal is protect our young. Trust needs to be earned not given to someone simply because their a member of our family, they're nice, or they volunteer their time to help the needy, or because they are looked at as a leader or person of authority - like a coach, clergy, doctor etc.
Children that are being sexually abused are afraid, confused, ashamed. We cannot afford to let our fear, confusion, or shame control us from doing what is right. From acting on our instincts. From accepting the fact that we cannot simply trust the people we believe we should be able to trust with the safety of our children.
Ignorance.
There are two levels of ignorance. And this is perhaps the easiest hurdle to tackle. People who are ignorant of the facts are not necessarily in denial or in fear of learning the facts about child sexual abuse. They simply have not been exposed to the reality of the situation. This is where we can make the biggest impact - now.
The second level of ignorance is more challenging to overcome, because many parents believe their children would tell them if they were being abused. Wrong. They are scared. Someone they know/love/trust is doing something to them that they may or may not know is wrong, yet they believed this person was someone to go to if they ever needed protection. They are scared. They are ashamed. They are confused. They are told no one will believe them. They are given gifts and told they are special, that the abuser loves them. They are often brainwashed to believe many things. They are afraid they will disrupt their family, that they may lose a parent, sibling or extended family member, or be taken away themselves. They are afraid to disappoint their parents. They are embarrassed. It is better to assume that your child will not tell you. It puts the responsibility back on you, the Mama Bear. We cannot afford to leave it up to our children to protect themselves.
A great website that I've been going to regularly to research information on child sexual abuse is www.d2l.org, Darkness to Light. I am currently taking an online course to further educate myself on the facts, risk, and what we can all do to prevent child sexual abuse, and what we can do when we suspect or discover it occurring. The course was $10. Seriously. An investment of $10 to work toward saving a child I know from being sexually abused. Best $10 I spent all year.
I see the innocence of my children. They love to pop bubbles, chase seagulls at the beach, ask me why a million things are the way they are. I want their childhood memories to be about so many things. Yes, they will face difficulties. But if I can prevent my child, your child, or any child from being abused sexually so they do not have to carry the scars of pain, shame, loss of innocence, I will know I have done a good thing on this earth with my life. I believe the purpose of life is to find a purpose. And I will continue to fight for the children of this world.
As I delve further into my training and research I will continue to post information on the risks and tools for prevention of child sexual abuse. I am currently looking to form a non-profit so that I can further my impact on this cause throughout society. If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions for posts or where you can go to contribute to this cause please contact me.
I thank you for reading. And I thank my 16 month old for taking a good nap so I could sit here long enough to finish this.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Teaching Kids Boundaries and Their Right to Say No
Set and respect clear guidelines
Family boundariesi
Set and respect family boundariesi. All members of the family have rights to privacy in dressing, bathing, sleeping and other personal activities. If anyone does not respect these rights, an adult should clearly tell them the family rules.
How to say no
Demonstrate boundariesi by showing children in your own life how to say “no.” Teach your children that their “no” will be respected, whether it’s in playing or tickling or hugging or kissing. For instance, if your child does not want to give Grandma a kiss, let the child shake hands instead. And make sure, too, that Grandma understands why this is important for the safety of the child.
Proper names of body parts
Use the proper names of body parts. Just as you teach your children that a nose is a nose, they need to know what to call their genitals. This knowledge gives children correct language for understanding their bodies, for asking questions that need to be asked, for telling about any behavior that could lead to sexual abuse.
Okay touch vs. inappropriate touch
Be clear with adults and children about the difference between okay touch and inappropriate touch. For younger children, teach more concrete rules such as “talk with me if anyone - family, friend, or anyone else - touches your private parts.” Also teach kids that it is unacceptable to use manipulation or control to touch someone else’s body.
Secret vs. surprise
Explain the difference between a secret and a surprise. Both the adults and children in your life need to know how secrets may make kids unsafe. Surprises are joyful and generate excitement in anticipation of being revealed after a short period of time. Secrets exclude others, often because the information will create upset or anger. When keeping secrets with just one person becomes routine, children are more vulnerable to abuse.
Mama Bear here: The more we teach kids the value of respect that our bodies, and those of other people deserve, the more their confidence will grow and they will be better able to identify the behavior of an abuser as being wrong. This is the doorway to "grooming" - the abuser wants the child to feel "comfortable" with them, that it's "ok". We need to teach our kids over and over again, that inappropriate touching is not ok. Another person who wont stop hugging them or makes them uncomfortable needs to know their behavior is unacceptable. This is absolutely essential in cases when a family member or family friend is being "too loving". You've probably seen it yourself - someone who keeps tickling that child, keeps watching that child and you can feel something in the back of your mind that says "this isn't normal...this isn't loving".
I was at the grocery store a few weeks back and my 3 year old daughter was pushing a mini carriage while we shopped. People stopped and commented how cute she was, but there was one person in particular, while we were waiting at the deli counter, and he did not take his eyes off of her. He was smiling and appeared nice, but I did not like the amount of attention he was giving her. It made me uncomfortable. I'll never know whether or not that man was a potential child abuser, but I felt the Mama Bear in me warning me. That's what this is all about. Making ourselves aware. Not being afraid to act on instinct.
That was a stranger. Most of the time it's a family member or someone close to our children that they already know and may have known their whole lives. They may have held that baby when they were first born. Watched them grow. It doesn't make them care any more about that child's innocence. They are abusers and they will abuse a child if given the opportunity. Those are the abusers that will manipulate a child to keep a secret that shouldn't be kept. We are responsible for protecting our children. We cannot live our lives under the guise that we don't know anyone capable of abusing a child. It is that very naive and ignorant attitude that allows this abuse to thrive. We must be proactive. The more we communicate with our children the more likely they will be to communicate with us when they need to.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Erin's Law
Wow.
This is from Erin Merryn's website http://www.erinmerryn.net/erins-law.html
When I was raped weeks before my 7th birthday and was molested from 11-13 by my older teenage cousin I DID NOT know what to do because I was never educated in school on sexual abuse so I stayed silent under their control and power. I was warned never to go look for the lost puppy when the stranger approached, I was warned never to take candy from a stranger, but it was not strangers that stole my innocence and took my childhood from me. These were monsters I knew. Monsters no one warned me about and 93% of the time when a child is sexually abused it is by someone they know and trust. Only 7% of the time the abuser is a stranger. So why I ask do we focus so much on stranger danger and not the bigger issue of sexual abuse as a whole?
My crusade now is to save the children of Illinois from the childhood I could not be saved from. It is a silent epidemic because we are not talking about it with children.
We cannot leave it up to the parents. Many parents are the ones who are the abusers, avoid this conversation or are in the mind frame of only warning their kids about stranger danger. It needs to be in the schools.
It is impossible to end this evil of child molesters. So if we cannot stop these monsters from hurting kids what can we do to prevent sexual abuse or get children to speak up instead of being locked in silence and carry it for years or even into adulthood alone? That is why we need Erin's Law passed in Illinois.
What would Erin's Law do?
1. The purpose of this law is to inform and protect students from sexual abuse. To mandate school districts implement and educate students on sexual abuse. School boards will adopt age appropriate curriculum on sexual abuse education to students grades pre-k through 5th grade. Education in schools is an effective method for preventing children from falling prey to sexual abuse or stay silent if it does occur.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
What is the Mama Bear Effect?
The concept of a Mama Bear stood out for me soon after I decided to start this campaign. There is a force inside us, stronger than we can imagine, that allows us the potential to reach beyond the limitations that we put upon ourselves as people in a society controlled by fear. Fear of what people think of us, fear of accepting the truth, fear of facing something painful. When the Mama Bear comes out of us, the fear is gone. Our focus is protecting an innocent child, whether it's our own or someone else's, from danger.
The claws come out and we go after whatever is threatening that child.
We all need to unleash the Mama Bears inside of us and fight back against sexual predators who rely on our trust, friendship, and love to abuse our children right under our noses.
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