Teaching Kids Boundaries and Their Right to Say No

From http://www.stopitnow.org/dont_wait_everyday_prevention :

Set and respect clear guidelines

Family boundariesⁱ

Set and respect family boundariesⁱ. All members of the family have rights to privacy in dressing, bathing, sleeping and other personal activities. If anyone does not respect these rights, an adult should clearly tell them the family rules.

How to say no

Demonstrate boundariesⁱ by showing children in your own life how to say “no.” Teach your children that their “no” will be respected, whether it’s in playing or tickling or hugging or kissing. For instance, if your child does not want to give Grandma a kiss, let the child shake hands instead. And make sure, too, that Grandma understands why this is important for the safety of the child.

Proper names of body parts

Use the proper names of body parts. Just as you teach your children that a nose is a nose, they need to know what to call their genitals. This knowledge gives children correct language for understanding their bodies, for asking questions that need to be asked, for telling about any behavior that could lead to sexual abuse.

Okay touch vs. inappropriate touch

Be clear with adults and children about the difference between okay touch and inappropriate touch. For younger children, teach more concrete rules such as “talk with me if anyone - family, friend, or anyone else - touches your private parts.” Also teach kids that it is unacceptable to use manipulation or control to touch someone else’s body.

Secret vs. surprise

Explain the difference between a secret and a surprise. Both the adults and children in your life need to know how secrets may make kids unsafe. Surprises are joyful and generate excitement in anticipation of being revealed after a short period of time. Secrets exclude others, often because the information will create upset or anger. When keeping secrets with just one person becomes routine, children are more vulnerable to abuse.

Mama Bear here: The more we teach kids the value of respect that our bodies, and those of other people deserve, the more their confidence will grow and they will be better able to identify the behavior of an abuser as being wrong. This is the doorway to "grooming" - the abuser wants the child to feel "comfortable" with them, that it's "ok". We need to teach our kids over and over again, that inappropriate touching is not ok. Another person who wont stop hugging them or makes them uncomfortable needs to know their behavior is unacceptable. This is absolutely essential in cases when a family member or family friend is being "too loving". You've probably seen it yourself - someone who keeps tickling that child, keeps watching that child and you can feel something in the back of your mind that says "this isn't normal...this isn't loving". 

I was at the grocery store a few weeks back and my 3 year old daughter was pushing a mini carriage while we shopped. People stopped and commented how cute she was, but there was one person in particular, while we were waiting at the deli counter, and he did not take his eyes off of her. He was smiling and appeared nice, but I did not like the amount of attention he was giving her. It made me uncomfortable. I'll never know whether or not that man was a potential child abuser, but I felt the Mama Bear in me warning me. That's what this is all about. Making ourselves aware. Not being afraid to act on instinct. 

That was a stranger. Most of the time it's a family member or someone close to our children that they already know and may have known their whole lives. They may have held that baby when they were first born. Watched them grow. It doesn't make them care any more about that child's innocence. They are abusers and they will abuse a child if given the opportunity. Those are the abusers that will manipulate a child to keep a secret that shouldn't be kept. We are responsible for protecting our children. We cannot live our lives under the guise that we don't know anyone capable of abusing a child. It is that very naive and ignorant attitude that allows this abuse to thrive. We must be proactive. The more we communicate with our children the more likely they will be to communicate with us when they need to.