We feel like we are protecting ourselves and, perhaps even our children, by not talking about it. We want our children to think of life as happy and full of opportunity to achieve great things. We don't want to scare them, or ourselves, and accept the many harsh realities of our world.
But the truth is, we are not doing ourselves or our children any favors by ignoring the reality of child sexual abuse. Too many parents either have no idea that their children are being or have been abused, or will be forced to face it after the damage has been done. That is, if their child ever tells them.
Children that have endured sexual abuse are often more likely to have low self-esteem, be affected by anxiety and/or depression, abuse drugs/alcohol, and endure many other life-long struggles.
Denial.
I've stated it many times, and I'll state it again. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday. 30-40% are abused by a family member. As many as 50% are abused by someone known to their family - a friend, neighbor, community member. We can't just keep an eye out for the suspicious man at the park. We need to be vigilant of the very people who live or come into our homes, and of the places we allow our children to go.
People say "Oh, everyone we know is nice." People who are nice are capable of abusing children and do abuse them. Generally, they need to be nice so that they can gain the trust of the parents, family, and child in order to have access to them.
Furthermore people may say "Not in our town, we live in a nice town." It doesn't matter if you have a white picket fence or live in public housing. It doesn't matter if you drive a Lexus or a Honda Civic. Child sexual abuse exists in every socioeconomic category. It does not discriminate.
Fear.
Often, we are so afraid to face the reality that children are being sexually abused we don't want to read, hear, or learn about it. Fear is controlling us from doing what we need to do. This is why I use the term Mama Bear. Mama Bears have a strength within them, to overrule fear or anxiety that may hold them back from doing what they need to do to protect their young. We always hear when camping or hiking "don't get between a mama bear and her cub." Why? Because Mama Bear is going to come at you with everything that she has. You can waste your time saying "oh, I don't want to hurt your baby." Mama Bear - she don't care. She doesn't understand you, first of all. And secondly, she wouldn't listen to you anyway.
We need to embrace the Mama Bear inside us. And I'm not just talking to moms. I'm talking to dads, aunts/uncles, grandparents, cousins, friends, neighbors, older-siblings, community members. We cannot blindly trust people that come between us and the children we know because we assume that they are on our side - that their number one goal is protect our young. Trust needs to be earned not given to someone simply because their a member of our family, they're nice, or they volunteer their time to help the needy, or because they are looked at as a leader or person of authority - like a coach, clergy, doctor etc.
Children that are being sexually abused are afraid, confused, ashamed. We cannot afford to let our fear, confusion, or shame control us from doing what is right. From acting on our instincts. From accepting the fact that we cannot simply trust the people we believe we should be able to trust with the safety of our children.
Ignorance.
There are two levels of ignorance. And this is perhaps the easiest hurdle to tackle. People who are ignorant of the facts are not necessarily in denial or in fear of learning the facts about child sexual abuse. They simply have not been exposed to the reality of the situation. This is where we can make the biggest impact - now.
The second level of ignorance is more challenging to overcome, because many parents believe their children would tell them if they were being abused. Wrong. They are scared. Someone they know/love/trust is doing something to them that they may or may not know is wrong, yet they believed this person was someone to go to if they ever needed protection. They are scared. They are ashamed. They are confused. They are told no one will believe them. They are given gifts and told they are special, that the abuser loves them. They are often brainwashed to believe many things. They are afraid they will disrupt their family, that they may lose a parent, sibling or extended family member, or be taken away themselves. They are afraid to disappoint their parents. They are embarrassed. It is better to assume that your child will not tell you. It puts the responsibility back on you, the Mama Bear. We cannot afford to leave it up to our children to protect themselves.
A great website that I've been going to regularly to research information on child sexual abuse is www.d2l.org, Darkness to Light. I am currently taking an online course to further educate myself on the facts, risk, and what we can all do to prevent child sexual abuse, and what we can do when we suspect or discover it occurring. The course was $10. Seriously. An investment of $10 to work toward saving a child I know from being sexually abused. Best $10 I spent all year.
I see the innocence of my children. They love to pop bubbles, chase seagulls at the beach, ask me why a million things are the way they are. I want their childhood memories to be about so many things. Yes, they will face difficulties. But if I can prevent my child, your child, or any child from being abused sexually so they do not have to carry the scars of pain, shame, loss of innocence, I will know I have done a good thing on this earth with my life. I believe the purpose of life is to find a purpose. And I will continue to fight for the children of this world.
As I delve further into my training and research I will continue to post information on the risks and tools for prevention of child sexual abuse. I am currently looking to form a non-profit so that I can further my impact on this cause throughout society. If you have any questions, comments, or suggestions for posts or where you can go to contribute to this cause please contact me.
I thank you for reading. And I thank my 16 month old for taking a good nap so I could sit here long enough to finish this.
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